Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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