Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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