Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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