i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
