He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
