bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
