why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
So squirting runs in the family.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
