nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
