When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
