Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
