Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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