Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize