Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
