I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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