i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
