I molested 6 butterflies tonight
no, he came in my armpit
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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