I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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