Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Randomize
