I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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