Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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