I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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