He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
