So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize