im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
