how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
