i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
