I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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