first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
