Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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