This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
