Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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