I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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