I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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