You don't have asthma, your pregnant
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I am in a vortex of obligation.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
