my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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