also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
