Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
