I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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