What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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