we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
