I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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