Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
