your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
