I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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