she woke up with a sticky ear
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
