he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
