Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
