I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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