Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you have to choose: penises or morals?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
FUCK WHALES
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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