I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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