when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
