If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
you had me at cake vodka
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
