If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
