Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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