i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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