You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
