I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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