I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I'm at about main and main street
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
