I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
