Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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