I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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